As Joanie has just moments ago packed away her Halloween decorations, all umpteen dozens of them, she realizes that Good Lord Are You Kidding Me? It’s Thanksgiving basically the next day? She ponders the excitement of digging in the attic (you would have to actually witness this event at Farragut Gardens to even begin to understand the impact of this sentence) for the “Thanksgiving” crate, which happens to be located in an attic area behind a huge honking armoire which requires moving, a lamp which requires plugging in, stacked with dozens of other holiday crates among old tubas, accordians, tables which require refinishing, someone’s old high school yearbooks, headboards, old wood… bookcases, rat traps, old insulation and aging oriental carpets? Ah yes. Is it too early for a glass of wine?
Joanie thinks that someone goofed in the holiday planning process. We have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Day, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day and Easter all jumbled together- then a long dry spell until the Fourth of July! Why? And for someone like her, someone that simply cannot let a holiday wander in and wander out of its own accord, someone whose DNA must include the Decoration Enzyme, this creates much stress and packing and unpacking problems. Thank God she is also a little OCD otherwise can you imagine what her crates would be like? Little sparkly cherubs mixed in with the bunnies- commingling with the Day of the Dead devils? Leprechauns running amok? I know the turkeys would love it but after all they love a good escape once in awhile but- it could be utter chaos! Would they like each other? She is concerned.
So, to alleviate the stress she endures year in and year out, Joanie plans to present a new Holiday Plan which will also include dumping the ridiculous Daylight Savings Time/Standard Time thing where we all get mixed up and forget to change our clocks and are constantly missing important appointments, although Dear Paul revels in that particular event because it gives him a perfectly sane sounding excuse for why he is late… (note to Reader: This man is ALWAYS late, no matter the season!)
Her plan includes spacing out the holidays in a more organized manner- we have twelve months, right? She is going to change her schedule like this: Valentine’s Day moves to May and will be celebrated in conjunction with Mother’s Day which prior to now did not require any decorating. St. Patty’s Day remains the same as its decorating requirements are minimal and fairly easy as long as you have a corned beef on hand and some beer- Easter will move to September and will be celebrated along with the Back to School events! Cheer those kids up! Have a chocolate bunny with your new pencils and PeeChees! Fourth of July remains the same because it is Dear Paul’s favorite holiday and Joanie loves to light things on fire and fly flags, and then she will have a nice reprieve until Thanksgiving which she is seriously considering eliminating due to the number of requests she has been receiving from the Turkey Union (those poor babies, seriously? Do we really need to EAT them?) She proposes that Christmas remain the same, however has decided to enlist a personal assistant this year to heave the crates for her.
Now since Joanie is exhausted from the rearrangement of the holiday seasons, she will excuse herself, find Teddy, her troublesome pup and head upstairs to bed. Amen and good night.