DOGNAPPED

Now that I have finally calmed down I am ready to write again. It never fails to amaze me at the ridiculous actions of Dear Paul and 2015 has started out with a bang…and Dear Readers, are we surprised? No! So fasten your seatbelts please and hang on.

So, recently, Daughter Natalie, granddaughter Cassie and fiancee’ Jay moved away, and were forced to leave their little poodle Barney with me. Well, as you may or may not know, we have two little pups already, Teddy and Ting Ting. They do know Barney well, however, as he has stayed with us many times and together they made a nice little troop. Now, to say that I wasn’t thrilled to take on another pet is an understatement, but I had decided to make a go of it. Little Barn Barns had settled in quite nicely, voracious eater that he is- bed hog that he is- surreptitious pooper that he is, and all was going fairly well. Until Saturday afternoon , that is.

I had returned from a quick shopping trip and what do I see? Oh God, there’s Dear Old Paul, in his robe, beer in hand, gesturing animatedly in the road in front of my house, and I noticed two people standing by him, with two small dogs on leashes. Two dogs? What? Wait-was one of them my Barney? What? As I stopped the car and began to get out, the people left with the dogs! HE GAVE AWAY MY DOG??????!!!!

Paul, as we know, can be prone, or should I say is prone- to unusual behavior- like digging while nude in the neighbor’s trash cans for “recyclables”, walking the dogs in his robe with nothing underneath it, driving a garbage filled Cadillac around town, totalling my car whilst birdwatching while driving- you get the idea. Well this time he really blew it. Like a complete idiot he was out there in front of the house laughing like a hyena while I am having a complete meltdown. “What’s wrong? I thought you didn’t want him! Those people seemed pretty nice!” WHAT????

During my screaming fit, having bit my lip so hard it was bleeding, coughing and about throwing up in anger I did just about everything short of physical harm to him. I threw things, I smacked the table, I used swear words that even offended myself! I wanted to beat him over the head with a frying pan! I was not afraid to do that either. Call the cops damn it- I just DO NOT CARE. Take me to jail! Where is my dog????

I had an obligation that night with some girlfriends that I needed to honor, and did. We drank wine and discussed all manner of torture that we would do to the old guy, and some were quite interesting. At the end of the evening we had decided that he would be sent away to the funny farm. He’s going somewhere, that’s for sure.

So, the next morning I laid down the law. Either get my GD dog back or you’re OUT! I gave him an hour and I can tell you I was watching the clock.

In he walks with a sheepish smile, and a confused Barney. “Oh, by the way they said they really liked him and wanted to tell you that his collar may be a wee bit too tight that’s why he’s coughing.” “Oh really? Really, Paul? You don’t think it might have been related to his attempt to escape and run back to me when they were taking him?”

So, furry family back together, Barney, Teddy, Ting Ting and I settled down on the couch to recuperate as Dear Paul wandered out into the pantry for another beer. And so it goes.

God bless you, my dearest of the dear. Amen and goodnight.