Fifth Day: Well, my bruises from my slimy little stair fall have blossomed alarmingly on my upper thigh and bum…but the good news is that the swelling has gone down. I attempted to take a selfie of them but not able to- so you’ll have to settle for the description- HUGE and purple! Besides that, those cannot possibly be MY thighs! Where did all those freckles come from? Or as my dermatologist says, “Joanie those are sun damage, not freckles…”

The dogs so far are still alive, although Ting Ting has eaten any number of things this past week, including a pair of cute earrings on granddaughter Cassie’s floor, many price tags and a whole pile of cat food. She’s only escaped one more time and the nice lady next door hasn’t been seen since the white poodle chomped on her hand while she attempted to rescue them for me. Apparently the neighbors all heard about it as they now give us a very wide berth when we walk past them.

Although the dogs remain hale and hearty, their fleas are absolutely abundant. Yay. I itch just thinking about them

Day Six: Is this ever going to end? How many weeds can I pull in the yard, how many cabinets can I clean out? How many times can I rearrange the refrigerator, wash windows, wash cars? I would paint but don’t know where the paint is. Nat and Jay won’t even recognize the place when they get back! Good old Mom has been through the entire house due to her extreme case of boredom, and kindly moved everything including all of the furniture. Ha. They will be calling me for months! “Mom! Where’s the wok?” In the garage on a hook, of course! I am nothing if not meticulous, right? I may even go see if the neighbors need anything done!

Day Seven: Apparently Dear Paul is nearly out of the ham I left him over a week ago and is resorting to a pure beer and whiskey diet. I reminded him that there are nuts in the cabinet and if he really gets desperate there is something called a grocery store that actually sells more than just beer. He once called me from Albertson’s to ask where the bread lived. This of course is also the man that called me at work years ago to say “Hon I’m in the laundry room. Which one is the dryer?” When I moved in, his dryer was a two story erection of scaffolding in the entry. I thought I had moved into a Chinese laundry- clothes flapping in the breeze. What was I thinking?

Also I have been suffering from a dry irritating cough that granddaughter Cassie keeps commenting on. Sweet, right? “Grandma I can’t hear the TV!” Like Roseanne Barr said years ago- “If when my husband gets home from work and the kids are still alive, then I’ve done my job!” Cassie is treading on thin ice right about now. This morning she asked me to drive her and her 100 lbs. of baseball stuff to school, pack her ten course lunch, and notified me that she’ll need to be picked up at school tonight after 8:00. Yippee. Can I pack my car now and head home? I am in serious need of a vodka tonic. Mostly vodka.

Wish me luck- I should only be here a few more days, although I’m not entirely sure exactly when the newlyweds return. They conveniently didn’t tell me.


1 Comment

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  1. Karen

    Lol! Joan you have a flair for the dramatic! You seriously need to write a book! I think the newlyweds are due back Wednesday, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Sorry for all your bruising, that’s not kosher at all. Take care dear girl, your bed awaits your return. Karen

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